Woody Diva’s Mermaid Bumper Bling Turrets!

A Mermaid Bumper? A Great gift idea?

I really thought our last gasp was going to be a few weeks ago, but no, we were able to push the envelope here in So Cal, up at 5000 ft until last weekend. A clear crisp 60 degrees, not another boat on the entire lake, so we took our last spin meanwhile getting prepped to take the 22’ out for a long winters nap. I always take inventory of all boat contents. A little shtick about boat obsessions…and a good way to find the champagne corks and a few ceiling board screws rolling around the deck

Above is a pic of our favorite boat BLING, the ever controversial and well commented upon Mermaid Bumpers. We get constant thumbs up from true Woody Boater fans but way more from the fiberglass (think Tupperware) pontoon-party barge–head banger-girls gone wild-boaters on our topless mermaid beauties. Even the dog has the hot’s for these babes, and we thought he was “fixed”! Maybe he is just waiting for the “Mermaids Out” command to spring to. A fine first mate at that.

I am sure that you all have a zillion great exclusive boat stories but here is one of mine. The Captain (when allowed to skipper my boat…always has a panic attack as we careen like a full speed bumper car into the dock) “Mermaids OUT!” he shrieks no matter how many times I have told him it’s handled well in advance…but I think its boating turrets!

Hence…a lovely astute guest upon the Wood has truly picked up on this repeated order and as a thank you gesture sent us these great Tee’s.

Isn’t this truly the joy of boating having a lot of “inside jokes”!

Love to hear about your boat bling and inside jokes.

Woody Diva

32 replies
  1. Greg Lewandowski
    Greg Lewandowski says:

    I couldn’t squeeze that pretty thing between the dock and the hull of my boat. That just doesn’t seem like what a gentleman woodyboater would do!

    • Dennis Mykols
      Dennis Mykols says:

      I agree Matt, I would give my two cents in, but I just woke, and have to hit the road for a boating conference ih Lansing, and I can not think of a GOOD “bazinga” at the moment…
      Can’t wiat to read all the post tonight! Talk about going down a rat hole, you can always count on these guys…

      • Woody Diva
        Woody Diva says:

        Hi Dennis,
        Now that you have had time on the road to digest.
        Bring on the Binzinga!
        we await with “bated breath”
        (So bated breath refers to a state in which you almost stop breathing as a result of some strong emotion, such as terror or awe.)
        XO Woody Diva

  2. m-fine
    m-fine says:

    It sounds like you need to learn how to properly dock a U22. I would refer you to the famous On Golden Pond, the holy grail of woodyboater movies.

    If you watch carefully, you will note that the proper way to dock a U22 is to approach slowly and then shut the engine off when you are about 15 feet out. Then the real mermaids who are waiting unseen beneath the water will grab your keel and gently guide you to the perfect docking every time. No bumpers needed! You can then keep the plastic beauties in pristine shape as props for show purposes only.

  3. Tommyholm
    Tommyholm says:

    Having a twin ‘sis of Mermaid, I never feel alone with my Woody come day or night. Sometimes I believe she speaks nautical to me, something about squeezing , yes that,s it. Keep her well polish this winter and she will bumper you again next boating season. One question: do you ever feel compell to dress her up? For a parade or such. Just asking.

    • Woody Diva
      Woody Diva says:

      Maybe with the tons of American Girl garb I bought for the twin divas over the years it may get re-purposed.

      Better yet….just hang the American Girl dolls ( I spent a small fortune on) as FENDERS! scary thought.
      Woody Diva

  4. Chad
    Chad says:

    If she could speak nautical, she would ask to be called a “fender” and not a “bumper”. Fenders attach to the boat, bumpers are attached to the dock.

    “Bumper” just makes her feel like a cheap hooker.

  5. Alex
    Alex says:

    As I recall, m-fine, On Golden Pond was not the best demonstration how to navigate a U22.

    1) Norman nearly kills the stern while departing the gas dock at full throttle. (Am I the only one who, despite seeing that scene many times, still believes he’s going to hit it?!)

    2) Billy (sans lifejacket) does his first solo atop the seat back, risking: a) an abrupt steering / rudder failure with his high speed turns; b) falling overboard; c) running over those loons Katherine keeps talking about.

    3) Norman navigates Purgatory Cove, bouncing off rocks with the stern before stalling the boat with a prop strike. (You know this is a movie because, despite all that, he NEVER curses! I mean c’mon!)

    4) Ultimately, the Norman/Billy combo kiss the bow goodbye by headbutting a large rock. Boat sinks. Norman suffers head trauma. Norman and Billy nearly drown. Walter not caught.

    Every time we watch the movie, I tell my kids… Don’t ever do this because… Never do that because…

    Knowing full well (sigh) they’ll do it all anyway.

    • m-fine
      m-fine says:


      I agree that the boat handling is not all up to par with what a parent and boat owner may feel is ideal, but I was only 7 when the movie came out and did not have the same level of concerns.

      As a kid still trying to master the art of bring a 20 something foot inboard to the dock in a consistently smooth and “bump free” manner on the first attempt, the movie was a huge influence on me. Watching the way Hepburn approaches the dock with such skill and confidence blew my mind. I mean come on, to KNOW your approach is so perfect that you will not need ANY steering corrections or reverse thrust and have the confidence to simply kill the motor? All I can say is DAYEM! That old woman deserves some serious respect. I don’t know the exact count of boats and docks I have destroyed in the past 31 years trying to duplicate her skill, but I finally found out the key is to get some bare chested mer-people to assist from below. Can’t believe I didn’t figure that out earlier!

  6. Alex
    Alex says:

    Oh come on Chad and Tommyholm, everybody knows you like it when your cheap hooker mermaid bumpers talk nautical to you.

  7. Simon
    Simon says:

    Sorry to get off topic but are those drink holders original to the boat? and what kind 22′ is it?
    Back on topic – Matt you and the boatress could sell these mermaids and call it “mermaids for boobies”!!
    Read Larry the Lyman to my 3year old last night and he loved it in case anyone wants a gift idea.

    • Woody Diva
      Woody Diva says:

      Hi Simon,
      1946 Chris-Craft
      Built to my exact spec’s….wine-beer-50 SPF sunscreen holder, so politically in-correct.
      So flippin practical.
      Love your “Mermaids for boobies” and vs a versa so to speak?

      Woody Diva

      • Woody Diva
        Woody Diva says:

        Did I just use the term “Practical” in reference to anything having to do with Wooden Boat ownership!
        Jeez I haven’t even had my first mimosa yet here in the west!

  8. Dick Dow
    Dick Dow says:

    Now, for those of us with cruisers – there are some very nice mermaid swim step supports out there, which go well with the theme here today…:)

  9. WoodyGal
    WoodyGal says:

    Does Amazon also have life size inflatable mermaids on sale? I know a few Woody Boaters who could use them.

    • Texx
      Texx says:

      Ha – That could morph into an entire Woody Boater product line… Pre-War, Post-War, Gentlemen’s Racer, Cold Molded… Utility, Dippy…

      Unrestored, new bottom, glued up…

    • m-fine
      m-fine says:

      I just did a search and was shocked (and disturbed) to find that not only do they have inflatable mermaid dolls, they have inflatable “party sheep” available in both white and black.

      P.S. If one shows up at Matt’s house Christmass morning, I had nothing to do with it!

    • Texx
      Texx says:

      Ha – We need to get our heads out of the bilge… We don’t want to leave Woody Diva with the wrong impression.

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